Ah , the Great Outdoors — how I execrate your Wi - Fi - less expanses . But if I must be squeeze to bask in your natural beauty , you may be all-fired well indisputable I ’ll be doing it with a laptop computer in my hand .
Me . slumber out under the stars . You must be out your got - tinker’s dam mind . The REI Kingdom 4 has two secret rooms ( one for sleeping , one as a home - tent - office ) , high walls to maximize inner place , and multiple personal organiser pockets to hold my cables , peripherals , and Abba - Zabbas . $ 350
I subsist in the First World . I have First World problems . Sleeping on the ground is not one of them — until I go camping . The Therm - A - Rest sleeping stamp pad is not only the public ’s lightest sleeping pad , its heating - reflecting barrier keeps me three times warm than uninsulated lodgings . I ’ll take five . $ 170
I ai n’t dragging my wan tail out to the middle of a forest just to sleep by my damn ego . The Cabin Creek is a kip suitcase build for two . It ’s got an integrate domiciliation sleeve so you never roll off and is long enough to accommodate my 6’2″ frame as well as that of one ( or more ) lady - booster . $ 240
It ’s a portable satellite net connection . Ok , so it ’s like this . Think of somewhere , anywhere on the face of the Earth . The answer is yes — you may download porn there at broadband speeding . $ 13,733
Do I look photosynthetic ? I need food and — more importantly — coffee . Like now . fortuitously , the Yukon 2 stove from Camp Chef has a 448 - straight inch cooking surface and two 30,000 BTU burners , so my lady can whip me up a banquet in a ostentation . mayhap start up pay me back for the best night of her living . possibly put a deposit down on the upcoming evening in the form of Baron Verulam . $ 222
You jazz what I detest ? Suffocating in my quietus from Carbon Monoxide intoxication because jackass ( * lift hand * ) decided it ’d be a good idea to give a gas - burning lantern on in the collapsible shelter . The Black Diamond Titan Lantern pumps out 250 - lumen from its LEDs ( sans the Carbon Monoxide ) and burns for up to 168 hour on 4 D - stamp battery . Plus it ’s got variable brightness preferences . You know , for mood alight . $ 80
Just because I detest the woods does n’t mean I do n’t fuck embark on fires . Because I do . And when I need to get old - schooltime on my fire ( put the bowing bore down Logos , we ai n’t going that far back ) the Exotac Nanostryker sparks … my fantasy ? ( YEEEEAAAAHHHH ! ) And yes there are more ferrocerium fervor starters on the market than there are troll on the Internet but this one is the little at just 85 millimetre in distance . And it ’s an all - in - one organisation so I can hang back the included hitter , instead of my my brand , across the ferrocerium rod to spark it . $ 27
Do bears shit in the woods ? Of course they do , how else would you explain that constant , overpowering stink that seems to follow me ? Oh right , have n’t showered in a calendar week … that would make sensory faculty . The Advanced Elements 5 - Gallon Summer Shower holds — you guessed it — five Imperial gallon of water and heats to a toasty 105 ° after 2.5 hour in the sun . $ 31
Yeah , I may calculate absolutely ridiculous wearing a full - body mosquito net profit causa but we ’ll see who ’s laughing when you catch Malaria . Whaddya mean Malaria is n’t rife in Northern California ? $ 25
you’re able to keep up with Andrew Tarantola , the generator of this post , onTwitter , Facebook , orGoogle+ .
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