To whom(eow ) it may come to ,
This is a sternly phrase letter to all of you felines of myth , traditional knowledge , caption , and urban caption who slink into my sleeping room at night and clap your magic anatomical sphincter in my face while I sleep , like so many ill-gotten castanets .
I restate myself once again — leave my room , you goddamn myth cat !
For those of you register this who are not felines whose exploits have been relayed through century of oral chronicle , I apologize . I have no quarrel with you .
Similarly , if you are a folkloric feline whose soil is outside of the geographic demarcation that is my bedroom ’s four bulwark , no besmirchment is intended .
I mean you in particular , Gichi - anami’e - bizhiw , “ the mythic night panther . ” You live under the Great Lakes , which are clearly not located in my bedroom . Let ’s include some picture of you so nobody indicts you in my screed .
That ’s a face handsome enoughto sell legal supply ship . But as for the residuum of you mythic tabbies , I ’ve made my march orders clarion — clarion as balls .
https://gizmodo.com/canadian-cryptid-coins-are-the-most-bad-ass-currency-in-5841788
Now , some of you human beings interpret this may usher out me as a starry - eyed fabulist . Or possibly a 21st century Hydra oiler shilling fingers of , uh , jackalope selection and , like , bunyan balm , a term I just made up that has something to do with Paul Bunyan ’s gall bladder . But rely that my word are true and my language wild blue yonder as I regale you with my tale of suffering and/or “ whoa . ”
When I was a kid , I spent a goodly amount of time at my grandparents ’ house in Rhode Island . It was there that I first discover I was allergic to qat . This was a foreign Apocalypse , given that my grandfather had exhausted his household ’s integral provision of rheumatoid deaf cats in a single swoop years before .
See , the khat made a substance abuse of sleeping atop the wheel of my grandparents ’ minivan . From what I understand , my grandfather was in a rush one day , forgot to contain the soma , and the ensuing butchery was not unlike three gargoyles alight on a juggernaut .
Even with the cats deadened , my grandparents ’ house still made me spend sleepless dark in a Benadryl pouch dimension . Rivulets of tears and nose fluid would meet on my chin , form a crust delta . When my parents found me in the morning , I ’d look like one of those Incan shaver mamma , the snot latticework a reasonable proxy for 100 of chicken feed crystals .
Bedtime in Rhode Island was like Stephen King ’s The Jaunt . look , that doctrine of analogy made signified to twelve of you . Basically , I fucking hated my grandparent ’s house . They were lovely citizenry , but slumber there was tantamount to snuggling up inside a wallaby pouch filled with Sriracha .
I always assumed that decades of ambient cat hackles were to blame for those long evenings of booger stasis , that unvacuumed computerized axial tomography hair that was turning me intoone of those crystal lamia from Lifeforce .
https://gizmodo.com/lifeforce-a-film-that-satisfies-all-of-your-naked-spac-5814960
But a recent and similar turn of outcome have disabused me of New allergist newspeak . For the past week , some unobserved primeval force has been depositing a bocce ball of mucus into my rhinal cavity while I sleep . It sit down in my caput all daylight , giving me the outspoken sales pitch of Sweetums from the Muppets . Every clock time I open my mouth , it sounds like a fondue explode . sprightliness is godawful decently now .
Now , I could chalk this up to some heretofore undiagnosed spring allergy or even another mythological brute , like a nose kobold or a sinus dwarf . But these symptoms remind me of those snotty New England nights , watchingThe He - Man Christmas Specialin an antihistamine stupor . I was so fucking high up a exclusive condemnation from Orko would load out into entire sonata . liveliness , it was a Fisher - Price opium den .
In short , nowadays it feel like computerized tomography are nearby . But I never owned qat , and neither did my flat ’s former tenant . And it ’s certainly not spectre cats , because ghostwriter qat are half-baked talk . No , I have no choice but to assume that my room has been lay claim by a computed tomography of myth , and that I have always been allergic to mythological cats . For all I know , my gramps pancaked the Nemean Lion back in 1986 .
I have created a short list of mythological cats I saw in my dream last night , which also ask make headway a horseshoes championship against Flash Gordon . Here ’s a tilt of likely interlopers :
The kittens who pulled the chariot of Freya , wife of Odin .
The dreaded Tatzelwurm , an Alpine African tea - snakewhich still vexes humans to this day .
Turkish Chewbacca .
https://gizmodo.com/turkish-star-wars-action-figures-are-gloriously-awful-5896309
Peter Criss .
https://gizmodo.com/kiss-vs-doctor-doom-is-the-best-and-or-worst-comic-you-5711513
If any of you mythological cats are reading this, get the hell out of my room!
Thank you ,
C.L.
Top icon byUtagawa Kuniyoshi , whose racoon egg artistic production you may distinguish ( NSFW ) . Fabulous Night Panther illustrations viaErin / Deviant Art , Talisman Coins , andSteven Lalioff / Burl Carvings , respectively . Orko imagevia . Cat chariot by N. J. O. Blommer , via . Tatzelwurmvia .
https://gizmodo.com/the-raccoon-scrotum-monster-and-other-awful-creatures-5892181
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